Family-Friendly Jokes From the Pages of Reader’s Digest Canada
These clean jokes have two things in common: They were all submitted by our readers, and they're also guaranteed to put a smile on your face!
Clean Jokes to Share With Your Family
I used to be intense, but then I gave up camping. —David G. Marcotte, Toronto
Occupational Hazard
Last week I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. At one point during the cleaning, a stream of saliva shot out of my mouth. When I apologized, the hygienist replied, “That’s okay, spit happens.” —Alicia Gobine, Barrie, Ontario
Overheard at the Hospital…
While I waited for my cataract surgery, I overheard an exchange on the other side of the hospital curtain: “Are those your own teeth?” asked the intake nurse. “I hope so,” answered the elderly man. “I paid for them.” —Joan Almond, Waterloo, Ontario.
These hilarious doctor jokes will have you in stitches.
Taking the Initiative
My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home. —Derek Young, Toronto
Here are 100+ more work jokes that will help you make it through the week.
Find My Phone
I asked my grandpa why he wrote his cellphone number on the back of the phone. “So if it gets lost, someone can call that number and find me,” he said. —Sarah Crowther-Muhuseen, Spruce Grove, Alberta
Everyone will relate to these funny tweets about technology.
Fish Story
When we immigrated to Canada in 1966, one of the first things we wanted to do was visit Niagara Falls, and we especially wanted to see the aquarium on the U.S. side of the border. While preparing for the trip, our friends warned us that at the border we would be asked, “Where are you going?” I practised my answer: “Aquarium.” The day arrived, and while we were in the checkpoint queue, I kept repeating, “Aquarium, aquarium.” Finally, we got to the front and the guard asked me, “Where were you born?” “Aquarium!” I told him. —Douglas Peters, North York, Ontario
Looking for clean jokes delivered rapid-fire? Here are 75 short jokes to make anyone laugh.
Change the Channel
Growing up in the ’70s as the youngest of 11 children, I used to beg my dad to get a TV with a remote control. He would reply: “Why do you think we had kids in the first place?” —Paul Larocque, Tecumseh, Ontario
If you’re enjoying these clean jokes, be sure to check out our roundup of the best comedies on Netflix right now.
No Shirt, No Service
When I worked in a hardware store, it was my job to help contractors order their supplies, and there was a certain contractor who would always come into the store shirtless. We had a long lineup one day, and I was busy entering orders when the customer at the front of the line said, “Give me what I usually get.” I looked up and realized that it was the shirtless contractor—wearing a shirt. Without thinking, I said, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on!” —Wendy Fredette, Salmon Arm, B.C.
Love the sound of “Salmon Arm”? Check out more of the funniest town names across Canada.
Next Generation
The generation of kids taking classes on Zoom should now be called Baby Zoomers. —Ilene Spencer, Ottawa
Here, parents share the funniest things their kids have said.
Literal Delivery
I used to work as a courier in a large city. I had a small designated route and was expected to deliver a package every five minutes. Sometimes, when I was running behind, I would rush in carrying a box for delivery to a customer, who would look up slowly from their computer and ask, “What’s that?” I would answer honestly, “It’s a box!” —Peter Bowman, Hamilton
Check out the funniest lawyer jokes of all time.
Drinking Game
It was dart night at the Barrhaven Legion. There were only seven people in the branch, including Dave the bartender and six patrons, also all named Dave. Geoff strolled in, walked up to the bar, took a look around the room and declared, “I’d like to buy a beer for everyone but Dave.” —David St. Amand, Nepean, Ontario
Here are more witty bar jokes anyone can remember.
At Fault
The medical school at the university where I work was celebrating an event and decided to hand out gift pens with the inscription “Faculty of Medicine.” The more you bought from the supplier, the lower the cost, so the university bought 2,000 pens. When the pens arrived, all 2,000 of them read: “Faulty of Medicine.” —Robert Halstead, Winnipeg
You don’t have to be a word nerd to find these grammar jokes funny (but it might help).
Communication Breakdown
My sister and her husband were travelling and stopped at a fast food drive-thru. My sister gave her order through the intercom but couldn’t make out what the employee was saying. She mentioned this several times, but it wasn’t helping, so she got right out of her car to speak louder into the intercom—and realized she was talking into a mailbox. —Donna Thompson, Edmonton
Sounds like someone could use another coffee! Here are 25 good morning GIFs to start your day with a smile.
Quitting Ain’t Easy
My dad, a tugboat captain, recently told my daughters about how he quit smoking cold turkey when he was a younger man. “I was about to become a father,” he said, “so I held the pack of cigarettes and I said, ‘I’m stronger than you,’ then balled up the pack and tossed it overboard.” He did not receive the admiring reaction he expected when both girls exclaimed in horror, “Papa, you littered in the ocean?” —Gail Robertson, Mechanicsville, Alberta
Here are 100 funny tweets every parent will relate to.
Wrong Reference
A job application asked me to list three references. I wrote in Wikipedia, Google and the Oxford Dictionary. I didn’t get the job. —Susan Flynn, London, Ontario
For more clean jokes, check out these side-splitting Modern Family quotes.
Slip of the Tongue
Most days in the clinic where I used to work, the phones rang a lot. One very hectic day, when the phones had been particularly busy, I got a bit confused when answering a line that had been waiting: “Thanks for helping, how can I hold you?” —Diane Stift, St. Albert, Alberta
Here are 12 hilarious comebacks worth memorizing.
Broken Telephone
I was catching up with my mom on the phone the other day, and I told her I’d lost a lot of weight. I don’t think she was paying very much attention to our conversation because she asked me, “Have you tried retracing your steps yet?” —Kayla Jordan, Fredericton
Check out more funny family jokes from Reader’s Digest.
Catch of the Day
Many years ago, my husband and dad were fishing near a lock and dam on the Monongahela River while shooting the breeze and drinking beer. My husband was about to go on a beer run when he noticed a fish in the water below him. On his second cast, he snagged and reeled in what turned out to be the best fishing story they would ever share: a six-pack of beer dangled from the end of his line—five cans of which were still drinkable! —Judith Spinda, Bethel Park, Alberta
These good-natured wedding jokes will bring down the house.
The Canadian Armadillo
My wife and I were camping in Florida and came across an armadillo. We stopped to observe it when a camper van pulled up and a small group of Germans got out. Staring at the armadillo, one of their party asked in halting English, “What is it?” “It’s an armadillo, eh,” I responded. He turned to his friends and shared the information. “Ahhh, armadilloeh,” they nodded. —Bruce Cox, Toronto
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