The 100 Funniest Quotes of All Time
Updated: Aug. 21, 2020
Between the savage insults and hilarious insights, this collection of the funniest quotes of all time will leave you laughing.
The funniest quotes of all time aren’t always intentional…
Case in point:
“I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer
Seinfeld on fear
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld
The joys of parenthood
“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’” —Sheila Lee
Let me check my calendar
“I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” —Noelle Chatham
Phyllis Diller on motherhood
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Sandra Bullock on taking the high road
“Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock
Some assembly required
“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear)
These silly warning labels will leave you scratching your head!
Carrie Fisher on satisfaction
“Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher
Don’t miss these side-splitting Star Wars jokes.
Nora Ephron on teenagers
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
Living in the past
“I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” —Matt Wohlfarth
At least the dog didn’t eat it
“I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’” —Larry Timmons
The family that runs together
“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.” —@xnatata
We’ve got the driveway covered
“Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.” —Aaron Karo
Erma Bombeck on a mother’s advice
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
The problem with Dr. Google
“WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery
Reese Witherspoon on parenting
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Tech support
“User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’” —Dave Barry
If you’ve ever called your kids for tech support, this hilarious story is a must-read!
Charlie Brown on anxiety
“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown
Founding Fathers
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert
You won’t believe these 50 things are banned in the U.S.
Rear view
“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.” —Adam Joshua Smargon
Good judge of character
“My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.’” —Emilia Clarke
Deal-breaker
“‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick
Lion versus sheep
“It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)
No sleep
“The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen
These hilarious yearbook quotes will crack you up.
Smart scientist
“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” —Tara Reid, actress
You’ll want to keep these hilarious comebacks handy!
Music smarts
“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” —Billy Connolly, actor
Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? Try giving them one of these funny compliments!
Designer dreams
“I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist
Former life
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor
Don’t miss the funniest royal family moments in pictures.
Relationships
“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses
These cheesy pick up lines are good for a laugh (if not love!).
The definition of monogamy
“Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous
Don’t miss the funniest lawyer jokes of all time.
Sharing is caring
“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher
Poison for breakfast
Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
For more (dramatized) bon mots from Churchill, check out this roundup of unforgettable The Crown quotes.
Funny wrinkles
When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, “Surely nothing could be that funny.”
Speaking of funny, these hilarious dog cartoons are sure to crack a smile.
Deep thoughts
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey
Superman
A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
Leading the blind
Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.”
These hilarious dog puns will give you paws.
Wooden table
In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, “So I guess your long hair makes you a woman.” Zappa responded, “So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”
Here are 22 Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes.
Didn’t act
Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”
Here’s every Oscar best picture winner ranked—from worst to best.
Batman
Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”
Find out the most popular movie the year you were born.
Smooth Operator
An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!”
Dreams of Nimoy
Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”
Got a soft spot for sci-fi? Don’t miss these inspiring Doctor Who quotes.
The three Rs
“You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian
Do you tend to have trouble making it to the punchline? Here are 75 short jokes anyone can remember.
Carelessness
“To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde
Don’t miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to.
No ear
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director
Having a manic Monday? These jokes about work will help you get through the week.
Nature lover
“She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler
No men
“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist
Stephen King on writing
“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” —Stephen King
Smile on
“Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)
Miranda personality
“I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress
These work-friendly jokes will still crack you up.
Look at the rich
“Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer
These funny Google searches will make you wonder, “Who’s asking these questions, anyway?”
Sing it out
“Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host
Crossing the road
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist
There’s a surprisingly humorous side to Stephen Hawking you didn’t know about.
Insurance gods
“The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist.
Don’t miss these funny (but true!) tales of the world’s dumbest criminals.
Open-minded
“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist
Check out our all-time funniest work jokes.
Narrow-minded
“He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author
Looking for more LOLs? Don’t miss this hilarious collection of corny jokes.
Family debate
“I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer
Grab your mouse ears and have a chuckle at these Disney jokes.
Marriage from heaven
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood
Get married
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Take our Word Power challenge and test your knowledge of philosophy terms.
Slow computer test
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.
Someone you love
“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician.
Marriage gift
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star
These jokes about marriage are so accurate they’ll have you cracking up.
Everything has a consequence
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor
Bacon is everything
“When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK
Don’t miss these surprisingly inspirational quotes from the world’s funniest comedians.
Spending foolishly
“Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star
These working from home memes are hilariously accurate.
No character
“I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst
These hilarious family stories are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.
Don’t give up the good stuff
“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson
Very dull
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author
Relive the history of the world in dumb jokes.
Nose flair
“Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic
For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything.
Jim Carrey on taking risks
“You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey
No ideas
“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author
Calling all word nerds! You’ll love these clever thesaurus jokes.
Smallest ideas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln
Worshiping himself
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor
These funny sleep jokes will have you laughing in bed.
Opting out
“A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.’” —Roy Hartley
You won’t believe these ridiculous excuses people actually used to get out of work!
Know it alls
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer
It doesn’t have to be April Fool’s Day to appreciate these hilarious real life prank stories!
Dog teacher
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humourist
Here are 15 hilarious dog memes you’ll want to share right now.
Cats versus dogs
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer
Don’t miss this gallery of funny farm animals!
Holy wine
“Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin
Americans don’t have a monopoly on humour! Check out the funniest Canadian quotes of all time.
Superior beer
“Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author
Check out these witty bar jokes anyone can remember.
Government landscaping
“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer
These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one.
Failing government
“The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer
Looking for a quick chuckle? These funny limericks should do the trick!
Trash run
“I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress
These bad dad jokes are sure to make you laugh out loud.
Marrying nothing
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher
These popular song lyrics don’t mean what you think they do.
Fiction
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author
These funny tweets about food are sure to put a smile on your face.
Read up
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
You’ll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes.
Optimism
“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous
These hilarious history jokes are sure to make you snicker.
Versus pessimism
“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist
Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
Blondes
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
Don’t miss this side-splitting roundup of the funniest song titles ever.
Versus brunettes
“It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author
Don’t miss these funny doctor jokes.
Delusions
“He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic
Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes!
Critics
“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author
These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house!
Reports of death
“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain
Here are nine more famous quotes everybody gets wrong.
Infinite things
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein
Einstein himself would appreciate these hilarious physics jokes.
Good girls
“Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” —Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan. If you’re enjoying this list of the funniest quotes of all time, you’ll love this collection of hilarious tweets.
Stupidity
“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers
You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran!
Not a fan favourite
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde
These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office.
Speaking of the dead
“They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.” —Moms Mabley
Washington D.C.
“Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy
Speaking of Northern charm, get a load of these hilarious Canadian headlines.
Trouble, trouble, trouble
“The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis
After you’ve memorized these funniest quotes of all time, check out our best-ever Reader’s Digest jokes.
Prodigy
When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. “But I never asked anybody.”
Having trouble finding the right words for a birthday greeting? These hilarious birthday jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh.
Cash flow problem
“Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.’” —Michael Mcrae
Now that you know the funniest quotes of all time, check out our best short jokes!
