![Funny parenting tweets - kids playing on phones](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-kids-playing-on-phones.jpg?fit=700%2C467)
Parting words
My five-year-old-son loves YouTube and seems to think that “Please subscribe to my channel” is a way to say goodbye. —@emisheep
![Funny parent tweets - little girl holding markers](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-little-girl-holding-markers.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
The writing’s on the wall/table
Kids get all shocked when you figure out they did something wrong. “Mom, how did you know I coloured on the table?” Because you wrote your name on it. —@fiveoclockmommy
![Funny parent tweets - bored kid e-learning at laptop](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-bored-kid-e-learning-at-laptop.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Genius in the making
My wife is a teacher, and apparently one student has been changing his name to “Reconnecting” during the Zoom lessons so he doesn’t get asked any questions. He’s been doing it for weeks. The lad doesn’t need to worry about his education—he’s already a genius. —@chrisarnoldinc
![Funny parent tweets - little boy day dreaming](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-little-boy-day-dreaming.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Wait until career day
Me: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Four-year-old: I want to drink beer.
Me: No, like, what do you want to be?
Four-year-old: A beer drinker. —@daddydoubts
![Funny parent tweets - angry little girl](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-angry-little-girl.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Common courtesy
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning. She hates bananas. —@pro_worrier_
![Funny parent tweets - little girl looking in closet](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-little-girl-looking-in-closet.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Dress code
After my daughter refused to get dressed, I lost my temper and told her she couldn’t come downstairs until she’d changed out of her pyjamas.
She then changed into another pair of pyjamas. —@dara_bhur_gcara
![Funny parent tweets - confused little boy](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-confused-little-boy.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
He’ll get back to you on that
Today I asked a kindergartner if Friday was his favourite day of the week. His response: “I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. I’m confused all the time.” —@donomo
![Funny parent tweets - silly prison inmate](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-silly-prison-inmate.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
A worthy sacrifice
My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school, and I told her that it’s against the law and I could go to jail. She then looked me in the eyes and said: “I’ll visit you.” —@ceciatl
![Funny parent tweets - stuffed animals](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-stuffed-animals.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
They grow up so fast
While at a department store, I noticed a girl stare longingly at the stuffed animals and say, “I wish I was still a kid.”
Her dad, standing next to her, replied: “You’re 10.” —@handlebrandle
![Funny parent tweets - tired woman yawning](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-tired-woman-yawning.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
A wrinkle in his plans
While I was lying next to my four-year-old, he looked into my eyes, parted my hair to the side and said, “Mommy, I can’t rub the lines out of your face.” —@muminbits
![Funny parent tweets - little boy measuring height](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-little-boy-measuring-height.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Care to prove that?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
- He invented the “thumbs up.”
- Only “some” lizards can read.
- He forgot how to eat carrots.
- His daycare allows swords. —@henpeckedhal
![Funny parent tweets - girl drawing](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-girl-drawing.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Role model
My seven-year-old drew a self-portrait, gift it to herself and hung it up on her wall. From now on, I’m making her my life coach. —@gfishandnuggets
![Hilarious tweets - shark fin from Jaws](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-shark-fin-jaws.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
So that’s where he went
When asked by a friend at daycare why she has two moms, my four-year-old answered that her dad was eaten by a shark. —@bakekater
![Funny parent tweets - kid on tablet](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-kid-on-tablet.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Tech savvy
My six-year-old: I figured out the password to the tablet and bypassed the parental controls to download all my shows.
Also my six-year-old: Help! I put both my legs in the same pant hole and now I’m stuck! —@not_thenanny
If you’ve ever provided tech support for your own parents, you’ll relate to this hilarious story.
![Funny parent tweets - cargo shorts isolated](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parent-tweets-cargo-shorts-isolated.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Versatile wardrobe
A brief history of my 11-year-old’s attitude toward wearing shorts:
School in winter: Shorts
Bedtime: Shorts
Camping: Shorts
Walking the dog on a wet and windy day: Shorts
Expedition to the North Pole: Shorts
Voyage the the moon: Shorts —@threetimedaddy
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Spilled Milk](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-spilled-milk.jpg)
The Laws of Kid Physics
A typical cup holds about eight ounces of liquid. But if a child spills it, that number increases to eight gallons. – @homewithpeanut
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Kids In Shorts](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-kids-in-shorts.jpg)
The Long and Shorts of It
My toddler demanded shorts, and now he’s crying that they’re broken because they don’t cover his legs. – @snarkymomtobe
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Reading Book](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-reading-book.jpg)
No Spoilers
Six-year-old: *Flips to the end of the calendar*
Me: What are you doing?
Six-year-old: I want to know what happens. – @xplodingunicorn
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Little Girl Singing](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-little-girl-singing.jpg)
Born Performers
The magical thing about toddlers is they can be mid-tantrum and seamlessly cut to the best performance of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” you’ve ever seen. – @thatmummylife
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Alarm Clock](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-alarm-clock.jpg)
Time Flies
My four-year-old used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe something that happened this morning, and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard. – @thecatwhisprer
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Pickle Jar](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-pickle-jar.jpg)
Betcha Can’t Have Just One
Me: What do you want for lunch?
Three-year-old: A pickle.
Me: A pickle is not a meal.
Three-year-old: Two pickles. – @daddydoubts
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Pretty Cemetery](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-pretty-cemetery.jpg)
Tomb With a View
My daughter just called a cemetery a “person garden.” I’m not sure what she thinks is going on there. – @java_assassin
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Eating Spaghetti](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-eating-spaghetti.jpg)
Life is Tough
Me: Why do you look so sad?
Three-year-old: *sigh* I just really love to eat. – @mom_tho
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Raising Hand](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-raising-hand.jpg)
Attention, Please!
Three-year-old: Can I tell you a question?
Me: You’d fit in well at an academic talk. – @jessicacalarco
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Mom Wagging Finger At Son](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-mom-wagging-finger-at-son.jpg)
Do As I Say…
A dark day for parents is when their child learns what “hypocrite” means. – @rodlacroix
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Boy Jumping On Bed](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-boy-jumping-on-bed.jpg)
Aim For the Moon
Self-confidence is my four-year-old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps. – @henpeckedhal
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Family Dabbing](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-family-dabbing.jpg)
Dance Like Nobody’s Watching
Me, to my eight-year-old: Why do you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when you could play them yourself?
Eight-year-old: Well, why do you watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself? – @six_pack_mom
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Sleeping Little Boy](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-sleeping-little-boy.jpg)
Fit For a King
During quarantine, when everyone was stuck at home, I decided it was time to replace our 10-year-old mattresses. I asked my husband, “What size is Danny’s mattress?”
“Queen?” he replied.
I pointed out that our mattress was a queen and that of our son, Danny, had to be smaller. Danny piped up, “I’m pretty sure it’s a prince.” – Marjorie Murphy, Toronto
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Thumbs Up](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-thumbs-up.jpg)
As Easy as Thumb, Two, Three
I was teaching my three-year-old, Becky, how to count to 10 using my fingers. After a few minutes, I got a little frustrated with her. I started one more time and put up my thumb. “What number is this, Becky?” I asked.
She replied, “Thumb!” – Cindy Giles, Coalhurst, Alberta
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Eating Tacos](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-eating-tacos.jpg)
Just Because
My four-year-old just asked why she can’t eat tacos every day, and honestly, I think I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from. – @sarabellab123
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Baby Rattle](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-parenting-tweets-baby-rattle.jpg)
Life Lessons We Lost Along the Way
I admire how when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it. – @mixedmediapaper
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Girl Hates Vacuum](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-girl-hates-chores-vacuum.jpg)
Early Warning System
My daughter just told me that she checks my location on my phone in order to determine when she’s going to start on chores. – @tmikamouse
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Performing With Microphone](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-performing-with-microphone.jpg)
Here For the Applause
I made the grievous mistake of laughing at my five-year-old’s joke, so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die. – @thecatwhisprer
![Funny Parenting Tweets - Little Girl Waking Up](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/funny-parenting-tweets-little-girl-waking-up.jpg)
Speed of Light
Me: Go back to bed.
Six-year-old: It’s time to get up.
Me: It’s still dark outside.
Six-year-old: I’m faster than the sun. – @xplodingunicorn
![Shredded colby-Monterey Jack cheese](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/parenting-tweets-cheesin.jpg)
Cheesin’
My four-year-old just brought me a block of Colby-Jack cheese and asked for a piece of party cheese. —@wildrainbow2
![Woman filling up her car at a gas station](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/parenting-tweets-renewable-fuels.jpg)
Renewable Fuels
My two-year-old thinks that cars fill up on soup at the gas station, and now I’m really sad it’s not true. —@ThatMummyLife
![Breakfast fruit](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/parenting-tweets-all-day-breakfast.jpg)
All-Day Breakfast
My four-year-old just looked up from her breakfast and said, “Uh, Daddy, I ordered fruit, too.” So there’s at least one dine-in restaurant still in operation during quarantine. —@TheCatWhisprer
![Cute Asian boy](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/parenting-tweets-free-will.jpg)
Free Will
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
Five-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
Five-year-old: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants. —@Lhlodder
![Cute toddler](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/parenting-tweets-is-this-real-life.jpg)
Is This Real Life?
Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors. —@HomeWithPeanut
![Cute baby posing with baby clothes](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/parenting-tweets-custom-made.jpg)
Custom-Made
Why do baby clothes have pockets? Are people really going up to babies and saying, “Hey, can you hold this for a second?” —@Y2SHAF
![Proud father with his infant son](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/parenting-tweets-welcome-to-parenting.jpg)
Welcome to Parenting
Your choices are:
A) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because you opened their fruit snack.
B) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because they don’t know how to open their fruit snack. —@momtribevibe
![Four-year-old boy](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/parenting-tweets-how-to-stop-littering.jpg)
How to Stop Littering
My four-year-old threw a wrapper on the floor. I told him to pick it up and put it where it belonged. He put it in my purse. —@mommajessiec
![Mom cooking food with young daughter](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/parenting-tweets-sleep-deprivation.jpg)
Sleep Deprivation
Co-worker: You look tired.
Me: (Remembering that at 2 a.m. I had to explain to a crying three-year-old that just because it was snowing did not mean it was Christmas.) No idea why. —@mom_tho
![Smiling toddler](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/parenting-tweets-slang-words.jpg)
Slang Words
When my kid was a toddler, my sister tried to teach him to say, “What’s up, homie?” He couldn’t pronounce it, so he went around for like six months saying, “What’s up, pony?” —@anne_theriault
Test your knowledge of these Canadian slang terms!
![Young boy solving math equations](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/funny-parenting-tweets-math-wiz.jpg)
Math Wiz
There’s going to be a point in my life when my son looks up at me and thinks, “Gee, my mom knows everything!” Then he’ll get to sixth grade math class, and I’ll say, “Well, kid, this is where we part ways.” —@HannahEinbinder
These hard math problems might just make your head spin!
![Female babysitter playing with young little girl](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/funny-parenting-tweets-girls-and-boys.jpg)
Girls and Boys
The little girl I’m babysitting just asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said, “Not anymore,” and she said, “Boyfriends are a waste of time.” Then she turned to her brother and told him, “You’re gonna be a waste of time.” —@itsmadimay
![Toy food](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/funny-parenting-tweets-make-believe.jpg)
Make-Believe
Sorry, I can’t come down for real dinner yet. I have to finish the fake meal my toddler is slowly cooking for me. —@WalkingOutside
![Four uncooked sausages on paper](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/funny-parenting-tweets-old-time-home-remedies.jpg)
Old-Time Home Remedies
My five-year-old wrapped a sausage around my finger and called it a Band-Aid. Needless to say, he’s become my personal physician. —@dad_on_my_feet
![Tea kettle, honey and tea cup in kitchen concept](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/funny-parenting-tweets-home-cook.jpg)
Home Cook
My kid: Can you make me some tea?
Me: I think you’re old enough to make it.
Me, 10 minutes later, cleaning honey off every kitchen surface: Ok, you were right. —@RodLacroix
Don’t miss these hilarious photos of dogs working from home.
![Little girl looking through telescope](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/funny-parenting-tweets-modern-day-galileo.jpg)
Modern-Day Galileo
Eight-year-old: Mom, I want to study pastrami.
Me: Why, honey?
Eight-year-old: I’m just super interested in the stars. —@pro_worrier_
![Forest landscape](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/parenting-tweets-thought-experiment.jpg)
Thought Experiment
If you open a candy wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating? —@mommajessiec
These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!
![Funny little girl with fake glasses writing in a journal](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/parenting-tweets-my-quotable-kid.jpg)
My Quotable Kid
My four-year-old has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles and quickly closes it back up. She’s calling it her “secret diarrhea.” Maybe someday I’ll correct her, but definitely not today. —@momtransparent1
![Plain white bagel cut in half](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/parenting-tweets-breakfast-problems.jpg)
Breakfast Problems
Have kids so that someone can ask you to cut up their bagel and then ask you to put it back together. —@OhioMomoftwo
![SpongeBob SquarePants toys](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/parenting-tweets-mind-blown.jpg)
Mind = Blown
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me that “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
![Young daughter kissing mom outdoors](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/parenting-tweets-too-clingy.jpg)
Too Clingy
Me: Mommy just needs a little space right now.
Child [perched on top of my head]: Why? —@LurkAtHomeMom
![Daughter kissing mother while wearing paper crowns](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/parenting-tweets-an-almost-compliment.jpg)
An Almost-Compliment
My daughter just asked me if I was 22. I said, “No, I’m 37.” Then she asked if I’m actually her grandma. —@UnfilteredMama
![Happy mother and her young son](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-recollections.jpg)
He Said, She Said
“… and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!” –My four-year-old explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings
![Cute toddler smiling](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-the-why-phase.jpg)
The “Why” Phase
Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler, who has just entered the “Why?” phase. —@whinecheezit
![Mother and her cute toddler](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-youve-got-a-friend-in-me.jpg)
You’ve Got a Friend in Me
“You’re just like me: trash!” –My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 to strangers on the street. —@dadthatwrites
On that note, here are the best Halloween movies for kids!
![Tomato ketchup](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-living-dangerously.jpg)
The Horror, the Horror
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it. —@threetimedaddy
![Mother and daughter cooking](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-a-day-in-the-life.jpg)
A Day in the Life
Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Or, as she described it to her teacher: “I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me.” —@stayathomies
![Funny parenting tweets - surprised toddler](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-surprised-toddler.jpg)
Hosts With the Most
How my family preps for guests:
Me: *Tidies up.*
Husband: *Fires up the barbecue.*
Toddler: *Removes all clothing.* —@jannakilimnik
![Funny parenting tweets - peanut butter sandwich](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-peanut-butter-sandwich.jpg)
Goldilocks Strikes Back
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *Makes new sandwich.*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *Makes one just right.*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec
![Funny parenting tweets - moon in night sky](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-moon-in-night-sky.jpg)
Over the Moon
Today my four-year-old asked me, “Daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?” —@thecatwhisprer
![Funny parenting tweets - kid at grocery store](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-at-grocery-store.jpg)
Eagle Eyes
Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines. —@rodlacroix
![Funny parenting tweets - tired kid sleeping at desk](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-tired-kid-sleeping.jpg)
What is a Weekend?
Me: Get yourself ready for school.
Five-year-old: Why?
Me: It’s Monday.
Five-year-old: Can’t we just do Sunday again? —@Xplodingunicorn
![Funny parenting tweets - disco ball](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-disco-ball.jpg)
We’ll Need to See the Menu
My daughter is in her first year of middle school and I asked if she’s planning to go to any of the dances. She said, “Only if there’s going to be food.” —@Valeegrrl
![Funny parenting tweets - man scared in bed](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-man-scared-in-bed.jpg)
(Un)Pleasant Dreams
My kid just said good nightmare instead of good night, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening. —@Daddydoubts
![Angry young girl - funny parenting tweets](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/angry-young-girl-funny-parenting-tweets.jpg)
Hell Hath No Fury
There is nothing quite like being condescended to by a four-year-old with her shoes on the wrong feet. —@Thecatwhisperer
Check out the best jokes from Canada’s top comedians.
![Little girl jumping on bed - funny parenting Tweets](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/little-girl-jumping-on-bed-funny-parenting-tweets.jpg)
Role Model
The girl I babysit: I want to be tall and skinny when I grow up.
Me, realizing the damage society does to young girls but too tired to correct her: Me too.
Girl: Like Abraham Lincoln. —@Haleyflynnstead
![Funny parenting Tweets - kid eating sandwich](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-eating-sandwich.jpg)
How Could You?
When you mindlessly cut your kid’s sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you. —@Henpeckedhal
![Funny parenting tweets - Stirring pot](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-stirring-pot.jpg)
No Compliments to the Chef
Seven-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, you’ll ruin your dinner.
Seven-year-old: I thought that was your job. —@Xplodingunicorn
![Funny parenting tweets - Kid hates food](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-kid-hates-food.jpg)
Future’s Looking Bright
My kid just called romaine lettuce “gross kale” so the next batch of humans is coming alone nicely, thanks for asking. —@Lifeattiffanys
![Funny parenting tweets - At the drive thru window](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-drive-thru-window.jpg)
At the Drive-Thru Window…
Toddler: Can I say hi?
Me: Aww that’s sweet.
*Rolls down window*
Toddler: Two milkshakes, please! —@Dadzzzasleep
![Funny parenting tweets - Getting photo taken](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-getting-photo-taken.jpg)
Why So Serious?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school pictures?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: Okay, I get it. —@Moooooog35
![Funny parenting tweets - Boy yelling](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-yelling-boy.jpg)
At Ease, Soldier
My son announces that he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he were off to war. —@Junejuly12
![Funny parenting Tweets - kids in a pool](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-kids-in-pool.jpg)
Some Amenities Are Essential…
Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool. —@Petricksara
![Funny parenting Tweets - t-rex dinosaur toy](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/funny-parenting-tweets-t-rex-dinosaur-toy.jpg)
Definitely Deductible
If my kids’ toys come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes. —@Pittdave13
![Funny parenting Tweets - Mother and young daughter](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/funny-parenting-tweets-mother-and-young-daughter.jpg)
Magic Moment
Four-year-old: Mommy, what if you never would have had kids?
Me: Then I wouldn’t know how much I was missing. You make me better. You help me love more deeply than I ever thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I’m thankful for you and I’m so happy you’re here!
Four-year-old: I’m gonna toot. —@MyMomologue
Check out more hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you grin!
![Family on couch](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/funny-tweets-parenting-wake-up-call.jpg)
Wake Up Call
I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 a.m. was almost definitely not a part of it. —@DadandBuried
Don’t miss these hilariously awkward family photos!
![Kids doing gymnastics](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/funny-tweets-parenting-toe-trouble.jpg)
Toe Trouble
Six-year-old: [yelling] Mom! I stubbed my foot thumb!
Me: Your what?
Six-year-old: My foot thumb! [points to big toe]
Me: Oh, your BIG toe!
Six-year-old: WHATEVER! —@DomesticGoddss
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.
![Kid in sink](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/funny-tweets-parenting-tub-is-too-far.jpg)
When the Tub is Too Far
Me: What are you doing?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath.
Me: Why are you in the sink?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath!
Me: …
Three-year-old: …
Me: Remember to wash your hair. —@ParentNormal
![Kid eating pasta](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/funny-tweets-parenting-farm-to-table.jpg)
Farm to Table
Three-year-old: Can we go to the farm for lunch?
Me: …
Three-year-old: Daddy takes us to the farm.
Me: Um, do you mean McDonalds?
Three-year-old: Yes. —@andwhatamom
These funny photos of farm animals will leave you smiling.
![Mom and child outside school](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/funny-tweets-parenting-fair-enough.jpg)
Fair Enough
My son’s begging to be home schooled so he can “take a really long lunch break,” and, like, that’s valid. —@ValeeGrrl
Want to sound smart? Make sure these clever jokes are in your arsenal.
![Kid outside](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/funny-tweets-new-name.jpg)
A New Name
My two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes,” and this is what I shall forever call them. —@RebeccaCaprara
![kids jokes sunset](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-sunset.jpg)
Two Left Feet
Our six-year-old does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong feet 30 per cent of the time. —@dad_in_brief
![kids jokes high five](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-high-five.jpg)
Time is a Construct
Sorry we’re late. I let my kid tie his own shoes. —@Mom_Overboard
Check out these unbelievably cute photos of kids in the great outdoors.
![kids jokes ask mom](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-ask-mom.jpg)
Unsolved Mysteries
If I, as a mom, don’t know where something is in this house, it means it’s gone forever. —@momtruths2btold
Don’t miss these hilarious examples of irony in real life.
![kids jokes stressed dad](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-stressed-dad.jpg)
Strange Habits
I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time. —@PetrickSara
![kids jokes knocked out](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-joke-KO.jpg)
No Rest for the Wicked
Friend: What’s that thing where you’re always tired but can never get rest?
Me: Parenthood. —@MyMomologue
We’ve rounded up the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.
![Vintage telephone](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/worst-predictions-telephone.jpg)
A Real Relic
Seven-year-old: “Wow, this must be an antique! It’s from way back in the 1900s!”
Me: “Okay, calm down. It’s from 1997.” —@maughammom
Take a look at the 50+ things everyone had in their house in the ’90s.
![kids jokes baking](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-baking.jpg)
Picky Eaters
My favourite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food. —@bluebonetbabies
Watch out for the things you should never say to a Canadian.
![kid jokes heroes](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kid-jokes-heroes.jpg)
Practice Makes Perfect
Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 a.m. to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22
![kids jokes allowance](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-allowance.jpg)
Pressing Matters
Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?” —@ashleyaustrew
![kids jokes book](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-book.jpg)
A Love of Literature
Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*
Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?
Six-year-old: I only read the classics. —@Xplodingunicorn
These corny Stars Wars jokes can be used for any occasion!
![kids jokes face drawing](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-face-drawing.jpg)
Personal Chef
Before having kids:
“I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”
Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.” —@bretjturner
![kids jokes comic mom ladder](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-comic-mom-ladder.jpg)
Fish have Feelings
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish.
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]
Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish? —@DadandBuried
![kids jokes costume](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-costume.jpg)
Call Steve Irwin
Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Alligator” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee
![Tweets about parenting](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kid-jokes-messy-eater.jpg)
A New Godzilla
My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made. —@Dadpression
![kids jokes mess up](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-mess-up.jpg)
A Personalized Bath
My friend Luke didn’t realize until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia
![kids jokes education car](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/shutterstock_118085662.jpg)
Door Jam
In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child. —@mommajessiec
You won’t believe the strangest things mechanics have found in cars!
![kids jokes what we did](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-what-we-did.jpg)
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Four-year-old: A tiny bit.
Me: Okay.
Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad
![kids jokes icecream](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-icecream.jpg)
Public Enemy
I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.” —Saladin Ahmed, writer
![kids jokes cutouts](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-cutouts.jpg)
Eat Your Veggies
“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room. —@whatbabytalk
![kids jokes spaghetti kid](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-spaghetti-kid.jpg)
Make It Rain
*Making macaroni and cheese*
Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama
Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.
![kids jokes ballet](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-ballet.jpg)
No Paparazzi, Please!
Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?
Kid: He doesn’t like you.
Me: How can I make him like me?
Kid: If you stop asking questions. —Helen Rosner, food writer
![kids-jokes-bad-boy](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-bad-boy.jpg)
A Real Bad Boy
One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer
![kids jokes paint kid](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-baby-paint.jpg)
Roll With It
Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.” —@MyMomologue
We guarantee you’ll be able to relate to these funny Tweets about technology!
![kids jokes baby computer](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-baby-computer.jpg)
On Repeat
If you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same YouTube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel. —@ramblinma
Get ready to reminisce with these hilariously awkward first kiss stories.
![kid jokes cake face](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kid-jokes-cake-face.jpg)
Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn
![kids joke unicycle](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-unicycle.jpg)
Animals are Friends
[Making pigs in a blanket]
Six-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
Six-year-old: Nobody you know in a blanket. —@XplodingUnicorn
Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures.
![kids jokes comic tunnel](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-comic-tunne.jpg)
Future Biologist
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair
![kids jokes broccoli](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-broccoli.jpg)
Strange Cookbook
Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.
Eight-year-old: …
Me: …
Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom
From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food Tweets will make you… hungry.
![kids jokes climbing](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-climbing.jpg)
Conspiracy Theorist
The best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: “Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.” —@waxpancake
Don’t miss these bad jokes that you can’t help but laugh at.
![kids joke math problem](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-math-problems.jpg)
Philosopher in the Making
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
![kids jokes work kid](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-work-kid.jpg)
Mr. Know-It-All
Me: Time for bed.
Four-year-old: No, it’s not.
Me: You can’t tell time.
Four-year-old: I can tell you’re wrong. —@XplodingUnicorn
Check out these adorable pictures of dogs dressed for work.
![kid jokes messy kid](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kid-jokes-messy-kid.jpg)
Strange Stalker
Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear one throwing a tantrum because “The moon keeps following me,” and I think, “Yeah, I’m good.” —@FatherWithTwins
You won’t want to miss these hilarious light bulb jokes.
![kids jokes dad study](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-comic-dad-study.jpg)
Helping Hand
Me, the first time my kid tries to help out: “Oh, that’s so nice. Thank you.”
Me, every other time since: “Pal, get out of the dishwasher. We need to leave in less than an hour.” —@thedad
Up your humour game with these hilarious short jokes.
![kids jokes bears](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-bears.jpg)
Condiment Lover
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall
![kids jokes egg salad](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-egg-salad.jpg)
A Message From Beyond the Grave
Me: *dies*
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R? —@Carbosly
![kids jokes party](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-party.jpg)
Guessing Game
A children’s birthday party game: guess which guests are contagious. —@PetrickSara
These jokes about birthdays are guaranteed to get a laugh!
![kids jokes pushup](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-pushup.jpg)
Daily Motivation
Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked, my five-year-old went to the bathroom, lay down in front of the toilet and took a nap. I guess what I’m trying to say is she’s my new life coach. —@daddysdigest
Get through the week with these funny jokes about work.
![kids jokes college](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-college.jpg)
Back-Handed Compliment
Daughter: What’s nostalgia?
Wife: It’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[Later] Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: Aww, we missed you!
Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia. —@NewDadNotes
Looking for more laughs? Check out the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes ever.
![](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/kids-jokes-laundry-basket.jpg)
Hamper Damper
How to stay on top of the laundry when you have two or more kids:
1. You can’t.
2. Find a new dream. —@MacgyveringM22
If you enjoyed these funny parenting tweets, you won’t want to miss our roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all time.