![Cute dog in a baby stroller](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/hilarious-tweets-precious-cargo.jpg)
Precious cargo
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller: What’s wrong with your baby? —@prufrockluvsong
![Hilarious tweets - woman with emotional baggage carrying suitcase](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-woman-with-emotional-baggage.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Can I check this bag?
I wonder who decided to call it “emotional baggage” and not “griefcase.” —@will_dareal
![Hilarious tweets - Silently correcting your grammar mug](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-silently-correcting-your-grammar-mug.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Word nerd
If you try to correct my grammar, I will think fewer of you. —@thesammyhannah
If that hit your funny bone, you’ll love these clever grammar jokes.
![Hilarious tweets - couch potato](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-couch-potato.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Let’s get physical
“I’m not working out with a mask on” is my new favourite excuse for skipping exercise. —@thecatwhisprer
![Hilarious tweets - retail therapy](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-retail-therapy.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Retail therapy
Me: I’m sad and directionless.
My brain: Buy stuff.
Me: No! Listen, I need a purpose.
My brain: Did you say a purchase? —@pant_leg
![Hilarious tweets - Man waking up](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-man-waking-up.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Rise and shine
Them: What inspires you to get out of bed every day?
Me: My bladder, mostly. —@lhlodder
![Hilarious tweets - Cardboard box isolated](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-cardboard-box-isolated.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
It’s a keeper
One thing no one ever talks about: how much time you debate whether you should keep a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box. —@madameanthro
![Hilarious tweets - funny mature man on phone](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-mature-man.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
It’s inevitable
At a certain point in every man’s life, he begins collecting random screws in an old coffee can. —@mommajessiec
![Hilarious tweets - funny pirate](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-pirate.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Yee-harrrrgh!
Someone in my Norwegian class didn’t know the word for “cowboys,” so they called them “American horse pirates.” —@socactussoowl
![Hilarious tweets - funny guy checking phone](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-guy-checking-phone.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Playing it cool
My best acting work to date? It has to be yesterday, when I realized I was walking in the wrong direction, so I pretended to get a text message that changed everything and forced me to turn around and walk the other way. —@orangepaulp
![Hilarious tweets - funny scared man](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-scared-man.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Speak up
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well, the reasons I once had have all now been replaced by the fact that you can talk. —@thealexnevil
![Hilarious tweets - funny dog winking](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-dog-winking.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
The dog days
The pandemic has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides. —@dogownersuk
Don’t miss this collection of the funniest dog memes on the Internet!
![Hilarious tweets - shark fin from Jaws](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-shark-fin-jaws.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Feats of strength
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist. —@emmamanzini
![Hilarious tweets - funny man thinking](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-man-thinking.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Let’s get paranoid
Nobody’s thinking about that weird thing you said. They’re thinking about a different weird thing you said that you didn’t even notice. —@deadeyebrakeman
![Hilarious tweets - funny broke woman](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-broke-woman.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
The tank’s empty
I just made my last car payment. I mean, I still owe a lot, but I’m just not paying anymore. —@brentterhune
![Funny Tweets - Dentist](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-tweets-dentist.jpg)
Is this covered?
The dentist just asked me to open up and now I can’t stop crying. —@momjeansplease
![Funny Tweets - Running Burglar](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-tweets-running-burglar.jpg)
Move along
I saved a lot of money on a home security system by hanging a picture of my paycheque on the front door. —@tbone7219
![Funny Tweets - Dolly Parton](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-tweets-dolly-parton.jpg)
Too talented
Dolly Parton writing “I Will Always Love You” and “Jolene” in the same day is mind-blowing. It would be like if Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa, then turned around in the same day and wrote “Jolene.” —@wenzlerpowers
![Hilarious tweets - haunted house](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-haunted-house.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Cold comfort
I wouldn’t mind living in a haunted house. Cold spot in the room? That sounds like a great place to chill the wine or to stand when I’m hot flashing. —@Lisabug74
![Man dressed up as a vampire](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/hilarious-tweets-miscommunication.jpg)
Vatt do you mean?
Me: I’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles.
Dracula: Venn?
Me: Probably tomorrow. —@fro_vo
![Woman holding a calculator](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/hilarious-tweets-fudging-the-numbers.jpg)
Fudging the numbers
Just did my own taxes. So should be in jail by Friday. —@yellowbonemama
![Hilarious tweets - funny man shaving](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-funny-man-shaving.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Inventing the soul patch
Friend: You missed a spot.
Guy: I don’t care. —@donttouchjames
These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!
![Hilarious tweets - Jekyll and Hyde](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/hilarious-tweets-jekyll-and-hyde.jpg?fit=700%2C525)
Think literary
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll. —@Browtweaten
Here are more Halloween jokes worth memorizing!
![Man sleeping in bed at night](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/hilarious-tweets-right-on-schedule.jpg)
Right on schedule
Me: I’m going to sleep in today.
The 500 birds outside my window: Lol. —@GroovyTasia
![Canadian goose](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/hilarious-tweets-thats-an-order.jpg)
That’s An Order!
Might as well go ahead and get in the pond if you’re going to keep acting like a silly goose! —@lowendfury
![Video conference call with therapist](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-family-therapy.jpg)
Family Therapy
My therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist, which is a lot to process. —@corietjohnson
Check out these times video conference calls went hilariously wrong!
![Funny Tweets - Scrabble Q Tile](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/funny-tweets-scrabble-q-tile.jpg)
Silent Partners
The absolute worst-spelled word in the English language is “queue.” Q was killing it on its own and someone was just like, “Hey, what if he had four useless teammates?” – @randypaint
![Home theatre](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-cinematic-experience.jpg)
Cinematic Experience
I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I just like eating candy in a dark room where no one’s allowed to talk to me. —@caraweinberger
![Woman having trouble sleeping](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-injuries-by-age.jpg)
Injuries by Age
Age 5: I jumped off a swing.
Age 21: I jumped off a bar table.
Age 38: Sleeping. I hurt myself while I was sleeping. —@AbbyHasIssues
These funny sleep jokes will have you laughing in bed!
![Close-up of gym bag and woman's trainers](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-leg-day.jpg)
Leg Day
It’s been six months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on. —@_CakeBawse
![Friends having pizza and beer](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-the-body-is-a-cheap-apartment.jpg)
The Body is a Cheap Apartment
I’m becoming the landlord of my own body by refusing to fix anything wrong with it. —@i_zzzzzz
Don’t miss these funny tweets about food!
![Solo female singing karaoke](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-stressful-singing.jpg)
Stressful Singing
I love seeing people panic at karaoke when they realize how long and repetitive their song is. It’s like their eyes are asking, “Will I be singing ‘My Sharona’ forever?” —@isabelzawtun
![Breaking up concept](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-brutal-honesty.jpg)
Brutal Honesty
Him: I think we should see other people.
Me: I disagree. I think we should break up and both be alone. —@ginnyhogan_
![Woman drying her wet hair](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-false-advertising.jpg)
False Advertising
The ads for women’s shower products always say things like “Lock in your moisture” and “Rejuvenate your pores.” Meanwhile, men’s ads are just like “Smell like hammer, you idiot.” —@MNateShyamalan
![Cat walking on ledge of home](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-feline-instinct.jpg)
Feline Instinct
It’s unfair to say that Scar murdered Mufasa in The Lion King. Cats just have a natural need to knock things off ledges. —@PatsATweetin
![Woman doing a cartwheel](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-free-wheeling.jpg)
Free Wheeling
Always remember: you can do a cartwheel whenever and wherever you want. —@charstarlene
![Debt collector](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/hilarious-tweets-a-complete-misunderstanding.jpg)
A Complete Misunderstanding
Debt collector: You have an outstanding bill.
Me: Aw, thank you! —@abbieexansxo
![Cast of the TV show Friends](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/hilarious-tweets-ill-be-there-for-you.jpg)
I’ll Be There for You
“I’m not here to make friends.” –The creator of Friends, who originally wanted to make a different show. —@yoyorobot
If you want to bring your A-game to trivia night, here are some pop culture facts to keep in mind.
![Canadian hundred dollar bills](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/hilarious-tweets-worst-nightmare.jpg)
Worst Nightmare
You: We all attract what we fear.
Me: I am absolutely terrified of 10 billion dollars. —@leokolade
![Woman happily reading a book](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/hilarious-tweets-true-story.jpg)
True Story
Mind-blowing literary fact: all non-fiction books take place in the same shared universe. —@osutein
These true crime books are so chilling, you shouldn’t read them at night!
![Outdoor yoga class](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-no-such-thing.jpg)
No Such Thing?
Not to brag, but I happen to be the reason why the yoga instructor stopped saying “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” —@hellohappy_time
![Parking metre](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-confidence-boost.jpg)
Confidence Boost
If you’re ever feeling down on yourself, just remember how in 2018, when I hosted Thanksgiving for my family, I told them to park in the wrong spot and every single person’s car got towed. —@dxxnya
![Businesswoman with headache](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-webmd.jpg)
WebMD
One of my favourite games to play is “Is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, sleep deprivation, not wearing my glasses or a brain tumour?” —@pmilbs_
![Interracial couple](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-the-truth-about-dating.jpg)
The Truth About Dating
Dating is just somebody revealing the grosser parts of themselves little by little until you say “Okay, that’s enough” or “Okay, this forever.” —@AmySilverberg
![Hilarious tweets - man needs coffee](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-need-coffee.jpg)
But First, Coffee
Me, before coffee:
Ugh, why is everyone shouting?
Me, after coffee: Okay, yes, I do see the fire now. —@rica_bee
![Hilarious tweets - couple unpacking, moving in together](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-couple-unpacking-moving-in-together.jpg)
Modern Romance
I moved in with my girlfriend after one year. Some people say we’re rushing in, but we’re both so in love with saving $900 a month. —@mondaypunday
![Hilarious tweets - driving at night](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-driving-at-night.jpg)
Night Owls
My friend and I were driving home the other night at what felt like well past midnight, but the clock said 8:36 p.m. If that doesn’t sum up being in your 40s, I don’t know what does. —@letmestart
![Hilarious tweets - accordion](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-accordion.jpg)
Do We Have Your Attention?
Accordion to research, nine out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random instruments. —@peachesanscream
![Hilarious tweets - wild west town](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-wild-west-town.jpg)
Plans For Expansion
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
City Planner: No, this is just the mock-up. The actual town will be much bigger. —@theandrewnadeau
![Hilarious tweets - man blowing nose cold in winter](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/hilarious-tweets-winter-cold-man-blowing-nose.jpg)
That Time of Year
Winter is just me asking my body, “Hey, are you sick?” and my body answering, “Maybe!” —@jpbrammer
![Hilarious tweets - woman making speech](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/hilarious-tweets-woman-making-speech.jpg)
Location, Location, Location
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective. —@Chicksrule
![Hilarious tweets - editor editing in red pen](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/hilarious-tweets-editor-editing-red-pen.jpg)
Canon Copy Edited
Writer: The Wizard of Oz
Editor: Oz’s Wizard —@Ben_rosen
These hilarious work jokes will help you get through the week.
![Hilarious tweets - woman on phone](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/hilarious-tweets-woman-on-phone.jpg)
Now We’re Cooking
Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Me: Yep.
Wife: What temperature did you set it to?
Me: 534
Wife: That’s the clock
Me:
Wife:
Me: 535 —@Iwearaonesie
![Hilarious tweets - coffee mugs](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-coffee-mugs.jpg)
A Whole Latte Laughs
Me: Honey, it’s really muggy out today.
Wife: If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving you.
Me: *Sips coffee from bowl* —@Mynameisntdave
If that made you grin, you’ll love these ridiculous coffee puns.
![Hilarious Tweets - Baby reveal](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-baby-reveal.jpg)
Now That’s a Reveal
Me: My wife is having a baby.
Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
Me: It’s a person, but smaller. —@Keetpotato
![Hilarious Tweets - Record player one-hit wonder](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-record-player-one-hit-wonder.jpg)
We All Get Our 15 Minutes of Fame
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “one-hit wonder” came up with any other phrases. —@Humurous1liners
![Hilarious Tweets - little girl reading](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-little-girl-reading.jpg)
Those Were the Days
Would love for one second of my adult life to feel as amped as I did as a child knowing I had five bucks to spend at the Scholastic Book Fair. — @Kristen_arnett
These funny Monday jokes will help you make it through the week.
![Hilarious Tweets - airport](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-airport.jpg)
Anything Goes
The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17. — @Alyssalimp
![Hilarious tweets - Man scratching head he doesn't know](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-man-scratching-head.jpg)
Hmm… Let Me Get Back to You on That
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun. —@Thefunnyteeng
![Hilarious Tweets - Woman unplugging cord](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-woman-unplugging-cord.jpg)
It’s Called Problem Solving
I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on her new microwave. So she stayed up until midnight and then plugged it in. —@Giftedrascal
Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology.
![Hilarious Tweets - upside down alarm clock 7:07 LOL](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-alarm-clock-707-LOL.jpg)
All the LOLs
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me… Then realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07. —@Pembdave
These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole-in-one.
![Hilarious Tweets - Business man on beach](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-business-man-on-beach.jpg)
He’s Not Wrong
“It’s five o’clock somewhere,” I say as I leave work at 9 a.m. —@Michaelsmartguy
![Hilarious tweets - Tapping watch going to be late](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-tapping-watch-going-to-be-late.jpg)
Time is Relative
If I tell you I’m five minutes away and you believe me, that is your own personal problem. —@Heysar4h
![Hilarious Tweets - surprised baby](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-surprised-baby.jpg)
Fairweather Friend
I hate when babies start acting like everything’s brand new. It’s me. I just saw you last week and we were best friends. Don’t do this to me.” —@Stfubryann
![voice controlled smart speaker](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/amazon-alexa.jpg)
Modern Malaise
My aunt got a Google Home for Christmas and she already had an Amazon Alexa. Recently we were messing around with the new device and asked, “Okay, Google, what do you think of Alexa?”
It answered, “I like her blue light.” From across the room, Alexa turned on and said, “Thanks.”
I’m scared. —@Allisoncalhoun1
![Hilarious Tweets - blonde hair weave](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-blonde-hair-weave.jpg)
Criminally Fabulous
The police just came to my house. They explained to me that someone had sent them photos of my car. They were worried, as blond hair was sticking out the back. The policeman then asked me to open my trunk, so I did. Their grisly discovery? My clip-in weave. —@Megalexandrax
![Two elephants](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-elephants-memory.jpg)
Elephant’s Memory
My co-worker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota in 1973. He didn’t try going back to it for 30 years, but when he finally did, the moment he stepped in someone yelled, “Get the hell out of here, Dennis.” That’s probably my favourite story ever. —@Bmangall20
These funny family stories will have you laughing out loud!
![Bald man raising eyebrow](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-diminishing-returns.jpg)
Diminishing Returns
My girlfriend has started calling my hair “the economy” because it’s begun showing strong signs of a recession. —@realHamOnWry
You won’t be able to unsee these funny stock photos!
![Airplane above clouds](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-stay-positive.jpg)
Stay Positive
Me: I have to be honest, Steve. I’m a motivational speaker, not a flight instructor.
Steve: WHAT? I CAN’T LAND THIS PLANE!
Me: Not with that attitude you can’t. —@Reverend_Scott
Comedians reveal their favourite jokes ever!
![Cocktails on a bar](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-man-walks-into-a-bar.jpg)
A Man Walks Into a Bar…
It was painful. —@cleanjoking
These work-friendly jokes will have you smiling in the office.
![People reading newspaper](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-app-for-that.jpg)
Is There An App For That?
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. —@DTWillingham
You won’t believe these mind-blowing facts.
![Books against wood](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/hilarious-tweets-well-read.jpg)
Well Read
I used to know a girl called Paige Turner. I could read her like a book. —@MOSHK_88
Keep laughing with these funny examples of irony in real life.
![funny tweets overhearring](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-overhearing-1.jpg)
Eavesdropper
My absolute No. 1 favourite phrase to overhear is: “Just between you and me…” —Raina Douris, radio host
Here are the things you should never say to a Canadian.
![funny tweets cat](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-cat-1.jpg)
Serial Stalker
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the thousands of pictures you have of them sleeping? —@laurajaylovette
Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures!
![funny tweets knight](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-knight-1.jpg)
Exhausted Bunch
Q: Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
A: It had too many sleepless knights. —@Dadsaysjokes
Test your history chops with these hilarious history jokes.
![funny tweets plane](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-plane-1.jpg)
Funny and Freaky
If you need something to pass time on a plane, over the course of the flight, slowly and silently apply an entire face of clown makeup. —@bridger_w
![funny tweets luggage conveyor](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-luggage-carousel-1.jpg)
Winning Strategy
Everyone, everyone, hold up. I have an idea. What if we all stand BACK from the luggage carousel and only step forward if you actually see your bag? —Andrew Chang, news anchor
These are the things you should never say to flight attendants.
![funny tweets running late](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-running-late-1.jpg)
Think About It
“But you said you were 10 minutes away.”
First of all, I didn’t say where I was 10 minutes away from. —@ImTheeBrock
Discover the strangest things mechanics have found in cars.
![funny tweets racoon with bread](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-raccoon-with-bread-1.jpg)
Sweet Dreams Get Crushed
I heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house and ran to see if he was okay. I discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appears visibly upset when it dissolves in the water. —@TheOutli3R
We dare you not to smile while looking at these adorable pictures of baby animals.
![funny tweets kettlebell](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-kettlebell-1.jpg)
Wrecking Ball
Just saw an article about an “easy at-home workout” you can do in your living room with a kettlebell, which sounds like a fun way to break everything in my apartment. —Raina Douris, radio host
Check out 20 more clean jokes that are safe for any occasion.
![funny tweets falling rocks](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-falling-rocks-1.jpg)
Don’t Try This at Home
I saw a sign that said “falling rocks,” so I tried and it doesn’t. —@ElleOhHell
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Dad Joke
Friend: Okay, when does a joke become a dad joke?
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent. —@taddmike
Here are more bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
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Theory of Evolution
Personally I think giraffes grew those necks because they really wanted to be alone. —Sandra Newman, author
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Know-it-All
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. But teach a man to fish and he’ll be like, “Um, actually, I know how to fish, I’ll show you.” And you’ll wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him. —Aparna Nancherla, comedian
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Dream Team
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau, they would win celebrity-couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.” —Bryan Donaldson, TV writer
We bet you didn’t know these historical figures were related!
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A Perfect Hybrid
If I had to come up with a slogan for raccoons it’d definitely be, “Dogs and hands, together at last.” —Merritt K., podcaster
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Fruits of My Labour
Firemen keep harvesting my cat tree. —@zoebread
See the cutest cat breeds as kittens!
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Talking ’Bout Your Generation
Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place. —@SpenceDen
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Sorry, Couldn’t Hear You
Store clerk: Ma’am, you’re not allowed to try out the earplugs before you buy them.
Me: What? —@ElleOhHell
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Musical Number
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows? —@donni
Don’t miss these facts behind the greatest songs of all time.
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Well, This Is Awkward
Me: *Struggling to think of things to talk about.* “So, what do you do for a living?”
Barber: *Slowly stops cutting my hair.* —@KeetPotato
Feeling uncomfortable? These funny jokes can defuse an awkward situation.
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A Bit Too Clever
Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn’t sure if it was there or not. —@localnotail
These funny dog cartoons are sure to make you chuckle.
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To Seal One’s Wait
Do people who line up at the gate before their flight starts boarding also stand next to the toilet 20 minutes before they even have to pee? —@joshgondelman
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Power Naps
My body: WHAT DO WE WANT?
My brain: SLEEP!
My body: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
My brain: AT EITHER 2 p.m. OR 3 p.m. NO OTHER TIME.
My body: No, that’s not—
My brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE. —@keelyflaherty
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I Make My Own Rules
Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete! Just working on the lawyer part now. —@sabrinahamiddd
We’ve rounded up the funniest lawyer jokes ever.
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Crucial Details
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter… it’s the thought that counts. —@C00LpenNAME
Check out these LOL-worthy wedding jokes about marriage!
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Undercover
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.” —@Tmoney68
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Keep it Tidy
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners. —@mstern68
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Forensic Files
Whenever I watch Forensic Files and realize I’ve already seen the episode, I get so mad I could poison someone in small amounts every day for six months. —Jeremy Rowley, Comedian
Check out these true stories of the world’s dumbest criminals.
![funny tweets arrest](https://www.readersdigest.ca/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/funny-tweets-arrest.jpg)
Know Your Rights
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested? —Evan Kessler, Comedian
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Mystery Guest
If you pay me $50, I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so people think you died with a dark and interesting secret. —Dana Schwartz, Writer
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Nature Works in Mysterious Ways
How is it that unicorns are fake but giraffes are real? Like, what’s more believable: a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40-foot neck? —@_kylebrownlee
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Important Parenting Advice
Don’t name your baby James. Name him Jame. He is one Jame. —@ohheyohhihello
These relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
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Is There a Cure For That?
I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said, “Not that as well!” —Tim Vine, comedian
Check out our funniest doctor jokes of all time.
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Tips, Please
What are some cures for insomnia that do not involve drinking less caffeine and alcohol, or turning off your phone and computer, or getting exercise or meditating or reducing stress in any way? —Bess Kalb, TV Writer
Our editors have rounded up the funniest jokes in Reader’s Digest history.
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Survival Skills
What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humour. —@potsiegirlsarah
Psst—if you laugh at these dark jokes, you’re probably a genius!
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A Real Labyrinth
IKEA is just an escape room you don’t have to pay to enter. —@_caroline__28
Here’s the real reason why IKEA products have such weird names.
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The Rest is Unwritten
Broken pencils are pointless. —@BreakingHunt
Every science nerd will appreciate these physics jokes.
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Questionable Trends
You either die a hero or live long enough to see wide-legged jeans come back into style multiple times. —Adam Sternbergh, writer
Here are 75 more hilarious birthday jokes to help you find the funny side of getting another year older.
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Getting to the Root of the Problem
Me: This town ain’t big enough…
Gunslinger: Yeah, yeah, for the two of us.
Me: No, I mean in general. There isn’t enough infrastructure to support the population.
Gunslinger: You know what? You’re right.
[We begin urban planning.] —@ThugRaccoons
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But Where?
Me, in hell: I was told there would be a “special” place for me? —Alice Wetterlund, comedian
Do you often have trouble making it to the punchline? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!
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Search History: A Window to the Soul
My most recent Google searches are as follows:
“DIY wine opener”
“How to pour wine after breaking the cork”
“How to store wine without cork”
“How long is open wine good for”
“Why do dogs walk funny with shoes on” —@fratulez
These DIY jokes are sure to bring down the house!
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Kitty’s Got Claws
Dressed the neighbour’s cat in a superhero costume so that when it went home they’d wonder, “Is my cat fighting crime?” —@AimeeHelene1
If you enjoyed these hilarious tweets, be sure to check out our roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all time.