10 Funny Pet Jokes

These ten jokes prove that even animals can provide us with some humour.

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
– Rooftop Comedy

Isn’t it unfair that women love cats? Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come when you call, they like to stay out all night and when they are at home they like to be left alone to sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
– Terry Sangster

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.”
– Sourabh Bhatia

Randy the dishwasher repairman was given specific instructions concerning the woman’s two pets. “The Rottweiler won’t hurt you, even though it looks fierce, but whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot.”
Randy let himself in and set to work, and the dog just lay quietly on the carpet. But the parrot mocked him mercilessly the whole time.
“Wow, you’re pretty fat,” the bird would say. “Hey, fatso, you couldn’t change the batteries in a flashlight, let alone fix a dishwasher.”
Before long, Randy had had enough. “You know, bird, you think you’re pretty smart for someone with a brain the size of a pea.”
The parrot was silent for a moment, and then, with a gleam in its eye, said, “All right. Get him, Spike.”
– Terry Boas

A lonely woman buys a parrot for companionship. After a week, the parrot hasn’t uttered a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror. Nothing. The next week, she brings home a little ladder. Polly is still incommunicado, so the week after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits not a peep. A week later, she finds the parrot on the floor of its cage, dying. Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers, “Don’t they have any food at that pet store?”
– Lucille Arnell

The great thing about bumper stickers is they give proud parents a chance to boast about their children. The driver of the pickup in front of me was no different. His bumper sticker crowed “My Australian Cattle Dog Is Smarter Than Your Honour Student.”
– Stewart Beucker

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and the parrot once more said, “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store to complain. The store manager apologized greatly and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.
“Yes?”
“You know.”

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. “What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.”
– Blake Kiltoff

Late one night a burglar broke into a house. He froze when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching!” Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward.
“Jesus is watching!” the voice boomed again. The robber stopped dead in his tracks and frantically looked all around. He spotted a parrot in a cage.
“Was that you?” asked the burglar. “Yes,” answered the parrot.
The criminal sighed in relief and asked, “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

Q: Why did the cowboy get a dachshund for a pet?
A: Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
–    Susan Scott